This is Living – Whatever That May Be

Why bother?

This is the thought that came to my mind yesterday.

We were on hour 14 of a very long day.

We were packing and emptying out our home to make way for 5 college boys.

We dropped off Cookie (our cat) and  packed away our important belongings.

The amount of work kept seeming to escalate.

And when you have children, it is often multiplied by a factor of 2 or maybe 5.

I’m not ready

These are the words my 6-year-old said yesterday.

Then she broke down and stated crying.

This was a mix of being overtired, over hungry and the fact that 12 hours earlier, she had to say goodbye to her cat and beloved friend.

While we packed the house the kids played with our neighbors and their very close friends.

Our daughter was realizing this would be the last of that for a year as well.

We packed up their beds, their toys and their rooms.

These are all difficult concepts to understand when you are 4 and 6.

Taking the Time to Listen

My wife has been much better than me on this one, I hate to admit.

I tend to want the kids to “toughen up” or I want to solve the problem by highlighting all the upcoming adventures.

Ostriches, Kangaroos and Balinese beach shacks.

My wife demonstrates the correct response…. A hug.

Maybe it is because deep down I have so much insecurity about the upcoming trip.

Am I ready for a year-long adventure with my family?

It’s OK

It’s OK and normal to be afraid!

And I guess I need to hear this from time to time as well.

It’s OK to be scared of financial ruin, of sickness, of the daily travel routine, of the response of your kids, friends or family.

The stress of moving, leaving your job, your routine, going into the unknown and in our case, even underdeveloped parts of the world has been giving me an ulcer lately.

My sleep has sucked and despite being off work for the past week I have been feeling quite the opposite of relaxed.

But, it’s OK.

The Alternative

When I look at the alternative things become clear.

The alternative is a complex idea actually.

Because the alternative I guess could be anything.

We didn’t have to leave the country to leave our jobs, but we did have to leave our jobs to leave the country. 

And once you have done that (left your secure job) things become easier.

You realize that security, as comfortable and anxiety relieving as it is, does not always mean we are growing and experiencing.

So for me the alternative was to exist, which isn’t living, or to experience, and trust.

Having faith

If you ask anyone I know they will tell you how lucky I am.

That I have such an amazing wife that tolerates me.

They say this not because I am a mean abusive husband, but because I am a bit of a dreamer.

After my daughter said “I’m not ready”, the next sentence was “why did dad have to have this dream”.

My loving wife tried to cover this by saying “it is not just dad’s dream honey”, but I know the truth.

It is all my fault

Yes, I have to take the blame on this one.

This trip is my fault.

And I am OK with that.

If I have to take the blame of whatever comes of this “family gap year” I am willing to accept it.

Am I ready? Hell no!

Am I excited! Hell Yeah!

And if you asked me this 6 months ago, before we had this adventure on the horizon I would have said no to the second question.

Excited and not ready translates into living and growing.

And even if none of this matters in the end (at least that is what the Buddhists say), for me and our family, I am so glad to say we are choosing a road slightly less traveled.

Taking the leap of faith and trusting God, Allah, the Universe, karmic “bundles”, or whatever has created this lovely world to be explored.

That this adventure will take us places we could never have imagined.

That this year of living will be  like a lotus flower – opening up – spreading its petals – breathing life into something that was dying.

Sitting here at the table, finishing breakfast with the kids, writing this blog post, talking about our coffee mugs… This is living, whatever that may be.